Even though his blog may be depressingly defunct, no one detailed the intricacies of dress and decorum for uptown’s favorite after work party better than Mike Giglio. So to help you prepare for Alive After Five’s return tomorrow, I pass on his helpful guide.
There is a caste system at Alive After Five.
For men:
At the bottom are the people wearing jeans or shorts. Who invited those guys? Go back to NoDa.
Next is the khaki-pants-and-polo-shirts crowd. Nice try. That’s not what real people wear to successful jobs.
The middle caste wears standard business casual. They have their best shot with the girls wearing jeans and high heels. Smart to accesorize with expensive-looking watches and neat shoes. A five-o-clock shadow means you’re lazy, not too busy to shave.
Near the top are the suits. Take off your tie and unbutton the top of your fancy shirt. This suggests you came right from an important job, are looking for a good time, and will definitely pay for drinks. The suits have their pick of most females. Every man not wearing a suit looks at them with trepidation and envy. Except the guys in the jeans and shorts. They’re too drunk to understand. If you’re just wearing a blue blazer, that’s kind of weird, and it might seem like you’re showing off.
The highest caste are the men who had the leeway to return to their uptown condo and change into classy casual attire. Nice chinos, a pastel button-down, and leather sandals or boat shoes signify a man of leisure. They often show up with a lady in tow.
For women:
It doesn’t really matter. There are so many freakin‘ men.
The classic “I-want-to-marry-a-banker” look. A shiny, expensive-looking dress, just short and revealing enough to convey the following: You can probably take me home tonight if I think you’re successful and attractive enough, but I’m a classy girl and don’t do that for just anyone, so you should feel extremely lucky, and compelled to date me, if it happens.
The standard currency for any Yup-Town gala. Tickets. First you buy the tickets, then you use the tickets to buy the beer (or tiny clear plastic cups of wine). Tickets cost $4 apiece (please tip your ticket-tender). But a Bud Light only costs one ticket (please tip your bartender)!
Can you sneak liquor in? Yes. Use a flask (not plastic), and buy a small bottle of coke. But you’re letting everyone know you can’t afford to get drunk off $4 beers.
The proper way to show you’re down with the funky music from the band. Every once in a while, nod your head, slightly, to what you have identified as “the beat.”
Dancing? Don’t even think about it.
Of course, I’ll be in attendance doing a case study on these subjects. It’ll be interesting to see if that bugger we know as “the economy” will influence the appearance and behavior of attendees, or for that matter, the price of drinks. With the current uptown condo and apartment vacancies, I predict more people in business wear and less people who have gone home to change (but still spent too much time picking out their outfits). The boundaries of appropriateness for office attire will be pushed by young women all over uptown tomorrow. Denim minis and sundresses will be stuffed into laptop bags. Friday morning call outs will spike.
Hooray for summer.
Lick
I don’t know if I’ll have time to hit the bed so I’ll just do a spray tan. This solution appears to have worked in the past for others at alive after five occasions.
Will my typical flannel and survivalist beard allow me into the upper tiers in this rite of passage into starched success? I probably need some short-sleeved flannel for the summer.
Why wouldn’t the guy with an uptown condo put on shorts? He’s afraid of standing out? He needs to fit in? If he bought my drinks, wasn’t a creep and showed me his million dollar pad, it could be a fun evening.
Charlotte Barbie Dolls released…
Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Charlotte area market:
Gastonia Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
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Ballantyne Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit and cookie cutter house available.
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Matthews/Mint Hill Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of East Charlotte Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Chevy Corsica.
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Dilworth Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own platinum credit card,a country club membership, and a map to find her way to the beach. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.
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West Charlotte Barbie: This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.
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Myers Park Barbie: This Barbie is the most expensive, due to her
extravagant outfit: Mink full-length coat and 5 carat diamond ring,
Prada shoes and Versace pantsuits. This Barbie also has a blank stare and is nicknamed Botox Barbie. Myers Park Barbie drives a chrome accented Mercedes SUV that has never seen a dirt road. Myers Park Ken also comes with Prada outfit and is sold with a snifter glass of brandy, a Cuban cigar, and a 48 foot Hatteras Sport Fisher.
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Central Ave. Barbie: Attire includes: Low-waisted jeans, too long with rips along the cuffs, a T-shirt 2-sizes-too-small purchased in the little boys section of the thrift store, flip-flops & horn-rimmed
glasses. Hair is cut asymmetrically & dyed dark burgundy. This Barbie is pierced & tattooed & instead of a car comes with a Vespa scooter, which is all you need to get around downtown to-and-from.
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Lake Norman/North Charlotte/Ohio Transplant Barbie:
This Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (with Ohio plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, tons of makeup, and really big hair. Carnivore Ken sold separately. This Barbie is the same model as the Ballantyne Barbie that was released in 1996. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut.
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Downtown Bar Barbie: This average looking, cigarette smoking,
bleached-blonde Barbie comes with sandals, tight pants, and a red spaghetti strap half shirt to show off her belly button ring and lower back tat. This Barbie comes with a Ford Mustang GT, a cell phone with an assortment of annoying ring-tones, as well as a night bag. She also comes with three "good-guy banker" dolls to match the local gender statistics. Additional options include the "skip the line" pass for Boppers and the "get out of the DUI free" card.
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Everything Sucks in Charlotte Barbie: This larger city transplant from mostly NYC and California comes dressed in almost designer clothes out of TJ Maxx. This model speaks phrases like "Everything is better in NYC" or "In California we don't have to do that." She can also *** up astorm about what Charlotte doesn't have, but forgets that this is her new home and moved here for a reason, (A better job with lower cost of living.) She comes with her own 10,000 sq. ft. mansion that was paid for by selling her 1,500 sq. ft. home at $900,000. She enjoys not working and spending Ken's money. You can purchase separately a local Charlottean doll that has lived here for more than 5 years holding a sign that says "If you don't like it here, move the hell back."
Tony, will you marry me?
I guess I won’t attend to avoid being looked down upon.
I am not a young professional, I am, however, a professional student who works at the airport and soon enough help run a bike shop!
I enjoyed going out to clubs wearing jeans and a t-shirt or polo shirt. The hell with a suit and tie. I sweat enough in my t-shirt!
Have fun everybody!