So I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been busy. And sick. And kicking ass and taking names. Okay, just sick really. But it’s hard for me to admit weakness. And right now I’m so low that I’m eating oatmeal and writing this post on a Mac. Yea.
But enough about me. Let’s talk Observer. Uptown’s paper of record (*cringe* maybe it’s just me and my fever, but is that not the most annoying phrase ever in the history of overly articulated unnecessary synonyms?) was full of things for me to make fun of this week. And I’m sick of this intro, so let’s just get down to it:
1) Sometime after the Panther’s shocking win on Sunday, @theObserver tweeted asking for headline suggestions. You know, I wish not only that I could be paid to write this blog, but that I could get other people to do the creative part for me. Now, I don’t know what kind of responses they got. All I know is that they must not be friends with the same people I’m friends with, because my twitter and facebook streams were full of things like this:
- I can’t believe they actually won!
- holy shit! The Panthers won!
- I knew they could do it! Go Cardiac Cats *growl* I told you Jake Delhomme was a good quarterback! lol
and my personal favorite
- it’s about damn time!
Admittedly some of these aren’t appropriate for the paper. But when I was on Charlotte.com Monday, I saw this:
Not graceful, quick, or boring, just Jake.
Just Jake. Just JAKE?! So let me get this straight. What you’re saying about Bo’Jakles is: he’s not great, he’s not exciting, but he’s not the worst player in the history of the NFL.
Just Jake. How about: just mediocre? Just not good enough? I’m sorry but we always do this. WE ALWAYS DO THIS. He plays shitty 3 games, then happens to pull out an average performance in a game the whole team wins, then all is forgiven and we try to forget we ever claimed he should be benched, and then he thanks us by screwing up another 3 games in a row. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. And by nice things, I mean Lombardi trophies.
2) Then on Tuesday, I was greeted with this headline:
A new book about the Hudson River plane crash wants us to believe that the reason the evacuation went so smoothly is because there were a lot of Southerners on the flight. And Southerners are polite. Hold on a second:
Hahahahahahahahaha. AAAAAhahahahahahahaha. Lol. LMFAO. ROFL. Hahahahehehehehehahahaha. Heeeeeeee.
Whew. Okay.
Luckily, while I was sick and waiting to take this one to task, people were busy doing my work for me. Like Tommy Tomlinson. Everyone knows that Southerners aren’t any more polite than your average American. In fact, y’all are worse. Because you pretend to be polite, while you are actually being hateful and insincere. Common knowledge.
If there is anyone out there who believes that 1)Southern people actually have better manners 2)Those manners had anything to do with all those people escaping, I would like to meet that person. So I can say “Bless your heart.” And then since I was raised in Pennsylvania, I can punch them in the dome.
3) On Wednesday, the Observer posted some emails from Bank of America executives. Take a look-see here. My only real observation is this:
Chad Gifford, you need a more professional font bro. You are a major bank executive, not a 38 year-old stay at home mom forwarding emails about cats in Halloween costumes. How about a 10-12 pointer. In something respectable, like calibri.
4) And finally, this:
this just in
Oh yea, thumbnail of some chick’s boobies? I DO need to know about your ex-fiance’s crazy fight. Because it’s important, need-to-know, breaking news information about Charlotte. And LIFE.
Now if you don’t mind, I need to go back to bed. But not before I finish work on this story:
breaking news
I did not see the Tomlinson article before but thanks! I had to chuckle knowing what he was talking about, this will be a good article for Meli to read…