Keeping Up with the Belks

I was doing some reading for class when my boyfriend’s roommate’s girlfriend, Turbo (who gained this nickname from an introductory pole and strip tease class we took at Pole Dance Charlotte), asked if I wanted to play Wii Fit with her. In my mind I was all, wii fit, like, the exercise one? but of course I eagerly responded, oooookay? (Btdubs, my spellcheck just completely schooled me on the difference between “exercise”, and “exorcise”.  Sooooo, synonyms?)

The first game I played was basic hula-hoop which I failed about halfway through. This might not be too terrible, had it not been freaking hula-hoop and had I not trained in ballet almost every day from the age of 3 through 19. You think somewhere in there I might have gained enough skill to move my hips in “wide even circles” for a minute straight. Sadly, no. Ballet is not rhythmic gymnastics.  Or, as a soon found out, preparation for any kind of balance test.

this is me. minus 37 spins and the two extra hoops.

Next I played a strange zen balance game with a candle, in which I sat cross legged on the balance board and tried to quiet the flame by being perfectly still. This I failed about 40 seconds in.

I tried basic step aerobics and passed with a 1 calorie star and then basic run, where I finally achieved the 2 star “calorie roaster” rating.

Okay, so as I’m typing this out I realize that I sound extremely pathetic. Which I’m not debating. I wasn’t taking the workouts that seriously at the time. I’m not really competitive by nature, and I was approaching each game as a happy diversion to the shitpile of schoolwork waiting in the other room. But as each game ended with another mediocre or worse performance by yours truly, I kept thinking back to one of those regrettable conversations I had with my boyfriend in which he noticed, casually, and for the sake of complete and total honesty with one another, that I may be just a little, ahem, bigger than I was, um, when we first started dating. And since we haven’t even been dating for an entire year yet, I started thinking that maybe I should put some extra hustle into each workout, and maybe, probably, turn the wii fit on more often, like, idk, every single day for the rest of my life?!

Then Turbo was all, hey do you want to create a profile so you can earn fitness credits, and I was all, of course, um, yea, totally, I should really start keeping track of this. And that’s when Wii fit turned into a little bitch.

Wii fit:  Hey let’s test your posture!

Me: Okay, like this?

Wii fit: Woa bitch, you lean to left. Stop doing that.

Meck: Okay okay.  Don’t take it personally.

Wii Fit: Now enter your height

Meck: 5′9″

Wii Fit: Your BMI is 20, that’s normal.

Meck: Hey, you’re not so bad.

Wii Fit: A healthy weight for you is 148.

Meck: That’s more than I weigh now! take that noticing boyfriend.

Wii Fit: Now do this balance test

Meck: Woa, what’s happening. This test is weird and hard.

Wii Fit: You were a dancer! You should be able to balance!

Meck: I don’t know which way to lean!

Wii Fit: FAILED!

Meck: but…

Wii Fit: Your wii fit age is…calculating…

Meck’s Mii: *clutching stomach* ooooo i don’t want to knowwwww

Wii fit: 41!

Meck: WTF?!

Meck’s Mii: ow, my back hurts

Turbo, of course, thought this was hilarious. Her Wii fit age was 28. As soon as our boyfriends returned we made each of them set up a profile. Her boyfriend’s Wii fit age was 29. My boyfriend’s was 37. I am the oldest Wii fit person in the household.This fact probably wouldn’t be so depressing if I wasn’t twenty-some days away from my 25th birthday.

So I’ve resigned myself to a goal of getting my Wii fit age to match my real age by my birthday. Even if that means practicing my balance every f’ing day. Which will probably be pretty tough for me since, as Wii fit so kindly pointed out, balancing, uh, is not my forte.