Keeping Up with the Belks

IN 10 days my big sister is getting married. I’m her maid of honor, and I am stressed. Not that I have much to be stressed about. Texas Lexi is pretty much the most laid back bride ever.  Her wedding is going to be 5 days of fun festivities and free alcohol. Literally 5 days: BBQ Wednesday (and since this is a Pittsburgh wedding, I mean a cookout), family dinner Thursday (and since this is a Texas/Pittsburgh wedding, that means any family that is in town), rehearsal dinner Friday, wedding and open bar reception Saturday, hangover brunch on Sunday. Really, my only official duty is to write a toast. And for this writer, that is turning out to be the problem.

You see, this isn’t Texas Lexis’s first wedding. Not that that at all takes away from the joy of the occasion. Her fiancé is a great man. I love him, and I love who she is with him. And it’s not that her first wedding was a big affair. In fact, it was a gathering of about 30 family members in my parent’s basement on Christmas Eve. Lexi and her Ex were already married (they were in the military and on a timeline) so it was not much more than vows and cake for show. But there was one thing about it. My toast was EPIC.

I mean, I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything. Buuuuut it was awesome. People laughed. They “awwwww”-ed. And I became something of a family legend.  My cousin called me 3 months later to ask if I could help him write a best man toast for his friend’s wedding. But now here I am, 6 years later, and I think I set the bar too high.

This time, it seems that nothing is on my side.  For one, the first toast was a parody of The Night Before Christmas. There is no handy holiday to spoof this time around. Also, my first toast was written at 1am on December 23^rd in an Eat n Park restaurant. I had the help of three friends who grew up knowing my sister.  This time, I’m on my own.  Oh and did I mention that besides the fact that my whole family knows about my amazing first toast, they also know that I’m in grad school….for WRITING?

And you know what else? I’m having a hard time being funny. You see, in the first toast it was easy to make jokes because I wasn’t that crazy about the relationship. This time, I want to be serious and sentimental. But it’s hard to do that without being cheesy. And it’s hard to do that and win over the crowd.  In the end, I could care less if my toast is the best ever. I did that once already. But what I’m afraid of, and can’t stand the thought of, is my sister thinking that I dropped the ball this time around for a reason. If my toast is supposed to be a representation of my feelings about the wedding, this time my toast shouldn’t just be so good it’s shared with their future children, it should so good that it’s written into chic flicks and featured on TheKnot.

So for the next week I will research, look up scripture and movie quotes, and maybe call up my girlfriends who still live in the burgh for a late night dinner and writing session. All in the name of the perfect wedding toast.  And if that fails, I will hope the old adage can be transferred. The worse the wedding, the better the marriage. So maybe, the worse the toast, here’s hoping, a lifetime of happiness.