There is a caste system at Alive After Five.

For men:

At the bottom are the people wearing jeans or shorts. Who invited those guys? Go back to NoDa.

Next is the khaki-pants-and-polo-shirts crowd. Nice try. That’s not what real people wear to successful jobs.

The middle caste wears standard business casual. They have their best shot with the girls wearing jeans and high heels. Smart to accesorize with expensive-looking watches and neat shoes. A five-o-clock shadow means you’re lazy, not too busy to shave.

Near the top are the suits. Take off your tie and unbutton the top of your fancy shirt. This suggests you came right from an important job, are looking for a good time, and will definitely pay for drinks. The suits have their pick of most females. Every man not wearing a suit looks at them with trepidation and envy. Except the guys in the jeans and shorts. They’re too drunk to understand. If you’re just wearing a blue blazer, that’s kind of weird, and it might seem like you’re showing off.

The highest caste are the men who had the leeway to return to their uptown condo and change into classy casual attire. Nice chinos, a pastel button-down, and leather sandals or boat shoes signify a man of leisure. They often show up with a lady in tow.

For women:

It doesn’t really matter. There are so many freakin‘ men.

The classic “I-want-to-marry-a-banker” look. A shiny, expensive-looking dress, just short and revealing enough to convey the following: You can probably take me home tonight if I think you’re successful and attractive enough, but I’m a classy girl and don’t do that for just anyone, so you should feel extremely lucky, and compelled to date me, if it happens.

The standard currency for any Yup-Town gala. Tickets. First you buy the tickets, then you use the tickets to buy the beer (or tiny clear plastic cups of wine). Tickets cost $4 apiece (please tip your ticket-tender). But a Bud Light only costs one ticket (please tip your bartender)!

Can you sneak liquor in? Yes. Use a flask (not plastic), and buy a small bottle of coke. But you’re letting everyone know you can’t afford to get drunk off $4 beers.

The proper way to show you’re down with the funky music from the band. Every once in a while, nod your head, slightly, to what you have identified as “the beat.”

Dancing? Don’t even think about it.

Of course, I’ll be in attendance doing a case study on these subjects. It’ll be interesting to see if that bugger we know as “the economy” will influence the appearance and behavior of attendees, or for that matter, the price of drinks. With the current uptown condo and apartment vacancies, I predict more people in business wear and less people who have gone home to change (but still spent too much time picking out their outfits). The boundaries of appropriateness for office attire will be pushed by young women all over uptown tomorrow. Denim minis and sundresses will be stuffed into laptop bags. Friday morning call outs will spike.

Hooray for summer.