You see, this isn’t Texas Lexis’s first wedding. Not that that at all takes away from the joy of the occasion. Her fiancé is a great man. I love him, and I love who she is with him. And it’s not that her first wedding was a big affair. In fact, it was a gathering of about 30 family members in my parent’s basement on Christmas Eve. Lexi and her Ex were already married (they were in the military and on a timeline) so it was not much more than vows and cake for show. But there was one thing about it. My toast was EPIC.

I mean, I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything. Buuuuut it was awesome. People laughed. They “awwwww”-ed. And I became something of a family legend.  My cousin called me 3 months later to ask if I could help him write a best man toast for his friend’s wedding. But now here I am, 6 years later, and I think I set the bar too high.

This time, it seems that nothing is on my side.  For one, the first toast was a parody of The Night Before Christmas. There is no handy holiday to spoof this time around. Also, my first toast was written at 1am on December 23^rd in an Eat n Park restaurant. I had the help of three friends who grew up knowing my sister.  This time, I’m on my own.  Oh and did I mention that besides the fact that my whole family knows about my amazing first toast, they also know that I’m in grad school….for WRITING?

And you know what else? I’m having a hard time being funny. You see, in the first toast it was easy to make jokes because I wasn’t that crazy about the relationship. This time, I want to be serious and sentimental. But it’s hard to do that without being cheesy. And it’s hard to do that and win over the crowd.  In the end, I could care less if my toast is the best ever. I did that once already. But what I’m afraid of, and can’t stand the thought of, is my sister thinking that I dropped the ball this time around for a reason. If my toast is supposed to be a representation of my feelings about the wedding, this time my toast shouldn’t just be so good it’s shared with their future children, it should so good that it’s written into chic flicks and featured on TheKnot.

So for the next week I will research, look up scripture and movie quotes, and maybe call up my girlfriends who still live in the burgh for a late night dinner and writing session. All in the name of the perfect wedding toast.  And if that fails, I will hope the old adage can be transferred. The worse the wedding, the better the marriage. So maybe, the worse the toast, here’s hoping, a lifetime of happiness.

So far today has been pretty nice, aside from the fact that the second person to wish me happy birthday was my dentist, Dr. Roznick (good guy).  This morning in lit class I brought up a quote that the teacher liked. This is the first time she has liked anything I said all semester. I’m awesome! Then I ate lunch with Nines at Bistro 49 on campus (the elusive casual dining restaurant in the student union). Texas Lexi called to wish me a Happy Birthday and then diagnosed me with synesthesia.  She was all, hey what color is January? Yellow. What color is February? Purple. What color is A? Red. What color is 6? Green. What color is August? Orange. Where is September?

Right there, duh.

I know, right?

And now I’m sitting on the couch with my laptop thinking about taking a napskies because hey I’m old now and according to websites and other surveys I’m 25-30, which means I have more in common with people who have houses and careers and kids then with people going to keggers every weekend.  Hold on, I just got depressed.

The point of all this rambling is that I hope you either love me or pity me enough to give me the best birthday present ever…by clicking the link below and voting for me in the best “blogger” category for this year’s Charlotte Magazine Best of the Best awards. I’m not even asking for your vote on best local blog because we all know I won’t be getting it.  But maybe, just maybe, I can win blogger. I mean I’m 25. I’m unemployed. This is my extracurricular activity and maybe the closest I’ll ever get to being published. I NEED this.  I mean, this is my birthday. And I told you about my brazilian for god’s sake. And how I’m actually 41 according to Wii fit. And I took your beatings after I hated Macs. And I let Matt Tyndall make fun of me.  And I wrote for CLTblog. Heck, I even gave you “Disco Chicken“.  I earned this.  Right? Right?! Awww hell.

Vote for Me(ck)! ….. please?

UPDATE: today my wii fit age is…. 20. Suck it, losers!

“I realized there was nowhere else to make this movie,” he said on a second visit to The Observer office. “Charlotte’s the city Washington wishes it were. In a lot of ways, it’s hipper than Washington: There’s no neighborhood as cool as Plaza Midwood in the nation’s capital, and your restaurants are certainly better.”

So let me get this straight, cash-strapped and lay-off ridden Observer: Charlotte isn’t as cool as Washington. Charlotte wishes it was as cool as Washington. Is that the point you are trying to make? Also, that no celebrity would ever think we’d be as cool as Washington. That our restaurants don’t compare. Neither do our neighborhoods. Is that what I’m sensing here? I know Charlotte tries to be a “world class” city, whatever that means. And I know that when all those Charlottans keeping up with the belks make the whole city on a mission to keep up with New York, or DC, or LA, or wherever, we usually just end up looking like we’re trying too hard. I’ve said that as much as anyone. But, I will also say there are a lot of good things about Charlotte. (Certainly not the newspaper which would DEFINITELY not compare to anything published in DC.) Charlotte is certainly different and that’s not necessarily bad. Side by side comparisons are really only fair when you’re comparing identical twins.

Also notice how they were sure to include that it was Will Smith’s SECOND visit to the Observer newsroom. I’m sorry – but would anyone in one of those “better” cities like DC even consider Smith A-list anymore? And if so, would they go absolutely apeshit when he visited and act like Jesus Christ himself stopped by the newsroom with the Jonas Brothers and the paper’s all 13 year old female reporting staff would be all, omg, seriously, you guys, Will is SUCH a nice guy. He, like, totally signed an autograph for me. Breaking news, y’all.

Smith hopes to start shooting the $150 million feature in October, because “the trees here are so pretty

Really. The trees are pretty. That’s all you got? Are you even trying? Sarah is that you? Are you in the snuggie again? Maybe take it off and go to a writers workshop. You know, Texas Lexi actually remarked on how much she liked the trees when she visited. And even though she lives in Texas and as such can only like Texas, she did have a lot of more substantial reasons, other than trees, as to why she thought Charlotte was a cool city. Where are yours?

he expects Charlotte-area locations can double every other spot needed for the picture. For instance, all the Hawaii scenes will be shot around Lake Wylie.

Now, I’ve never been to Hawaii, but I’m fairly certain that I won’t be disappointed to learn that an Island in the pacific ocean is a little more tropical and pretty than a lake in South Carolina. Just a thought.

He has researched local politics intensively and will audition former city council member Lynn Wheeler as GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and longtime Mayor Pat McCrory as presidential candidate John McCain.

“We’d have to age him a little,” Smith admitted. “But the essential spirit is the same.”

The lowest blow of them all. At least Mayor Pat will have a job in Charlotte longer than most of your staff will.

It’s necessary to be able to laugh at ourselves. Especially about things that are obvious Charlotte jokes (the arlington, jake delhomme’s arm). But by mocking the essential worth of your own city, you just sound like a big, hairy, hemmoroid dripping asshole. There is a line to teasing and that line is often made up of this one important statement “i kid because i care”. Observer, you crossed that line. And even sadder for you, you missed much funnier jokes in the proccess.

Example:

The Charlotte Observer lays off real journalists in favor of continuing to fund blogs Paid to Party and That’s Wassup –> actually true!!!!

The Charlotte Observer earned profits in the first quarter of 2009.

And of course, the most obvious joke of them all, THIS.

Observer, the city of Charlotte is NOT your punch line. But go ahead and keep it up anyway. I swore I’d never say this but you really leave me no other choice. In the spirit of your own readers, I offer this advice: if you like DC so much, there’s the door *points to I-85 with middle finger*. Maybe one of their papers will hire you when McClatchy goes bankrupt. Now, THAT is funny.

It’s not as weird as I thought it would be. The first really thought-consuming wedding for me was Kate’s wedding in November. She was my first Pittsburgh friend to get married and since I’ve known her since we were 12, it was kind of surreal. Nines and Corbers wedding in August also threw me through a loop. Even though I couldn’t attend and they’ve been together the entire time I’ve known them (5 years now), it was strange to me even last week to hear Nines introduce Corbers to my sister as his wife.

Times they are a changin. And it’s obvious that every summer from now until I’m thirty will be filled with open bars and sobering thoughts, such as: I can’t believe how old we are. Now our relationship will completely different. Why did they run out of champagne? And the most depressing, How can I afford all these damn gifts?

Seriously. I’m set up to drop more money on friends and family members nuptials this year than I am on one of my student loans. How do you balance it? If you are invited to the shower and the wedding, do you buy two gifts? And how much should you spend? And should the cost of travel incurred to attend the wedding be factored into your gift budget? What about the recession? I don’t want to cheap out on people I care about and am genuinely happy for, but when coming to your celebration is sucking up my vacation time and budget, there has to be a line….right?

What do you all think. Do you give a signature gift? Do you give a set amount in cash? If so, how much? Do you buy for every shower/wedding your invited to? I need to know. And, I need another drink.

5. Riedel wine glasses really do make a difference. Or maybe it’s the antique chair I’m sitting on.

hawt.

7. Your bridesmaids will probably get fat. And won’t have enough boobs to fill out their extra large dresses.

8. Singing along to classics such as the Captain Zoom birthday song, The Prince is Giving a Ball, and Pussy Control, is more fun than it sounds.

9. Never ask a smoker to run 7 city blocks. Or climb stairs.

10. At some point my sister and I exchanged personalities. I became the party-er and she became the responsible one. Sort of. And now she’s getting closer and closer to “settling down”. But watching her smoke a clove and lay the smack down at a beer pong table last weekend brought a tear to my eye a renewed hope to my soul. Remember, Lexi: just say no to kids and mortgages!

5. Finish my taxes early
and get a massive refund. seriously. awesome. i feel vindicated after spending $315 at HR Block last year only to owe $1400. E-file with turbotax for $50 and see your monies in two weeks.

28. Texas Lexi visit
it was this past weekend and it was a-maz-ing. more on this later

30. Cross one thing off my life To-Do List
living in a city and living alone. that’s two things. go me!

So far I’ve completed 7 of 33 items, meaning I will need to complete roughly two a month to make it before the end of the year. It’s on…

We get to Scorpios around midnight. I haven’t started that late since college so I am pleased with myself. Take that, birthday! We immediately go in. The place is crowded but with no line and no cover. You can’t beat that. You also can’t beat $3 L.I.T.s and shots of jager, all on the boys.

Within the first five minutes I am approached by a girl who looks to be about 18 years old (under 21 can pay to get in). She says her friend wants to know if I’m straight. I say “yes”. She says “I told her!” I feel awesome. Gay men and women, in my experience, have much higher appearance standards. I’m also glad I’m giving off the correct vibes. I went through an extended awkward stage that began in elementary school and lasted pretty much until sophomore year of college. During this lanky and clumsy time I did not get a ton of male attention. Unlike Texas Lexi who attracted men like a high powered magnet. This led some people to question my sexuality. More than once. But ha! Lesbians can tell I’m straight. So take that, bitchy girls from my high school!

My temporary feelings of greatness are quickly squashed though when I realize that there are a lot of guys… a lot of tall, short, thick, thin, white, black, young and old guys who can dance much, much better than I can. And who are more flexible. Surprisingly more flexible. Disturbingly more flexible. Oh well, I dance anyway. I’m obsessed with this place.

That is, until George* starts dancing. Wait is he dancing or having a seizure? Seriously is he ok? Why is he running away from us? George, drunk off a recent breakup/too much liquor/inhaling the evaporated alcohol infused sweat of everyone in the club, takes to running away from us. Basically anytime he wants to move spots he runs through the crowd making it part like the red sea as people dodge his spastic motions. Most people are laughing at him, some lesbians are trying to kick his ass for running into them, and two people are chasing him: Me and Ted*.

This goes on in a similar pattern of drinks at the bar, chasing George, frantic dancing, and chasing George again for the entire span of the evening. He is oblivious to the fact that at least three guys have danced with him. At one point I even dance with him and he pulls out some moves which I’m pretty sure are illegal here in the Bible Belt. He tells me this is my CLTBlog initiation. Yea. I’ll let that one setttle.

Finally, sometime after 2, we depart and make our way back to George’s house. There we find his roommates and their friends, inlcuding one lovely young lady who he begins to ravage on the couch not five minutes after we get back. With my back turned (but ears listening) I hijack his computer and charmingly play The Humans Are Dead 6 times in a row. After a good 30 minutes of tarnishing George’s internet reputation and listening to some familiar, but very private, party noises, Ted and I realize that we are the only people in the house not hooking up. Around this time my tiny bladder also realizes that one of the couples have choosen the house’s sole bathroom as the location for their conjugal visit. I am pissed (is that a pun?). I leave. I plan my next trip to scorpios and draft my awkward withdrawl letter to CLTBlog. Hehehe just kidding. You guys don’t think it’s going to be THAT easy to get rid of me, do you?

Even weirder, my real life people have taken to quoting my blog to me. It can get a little uncomfortable. I guess it’s not so much quoting as bringing up certain topics with me and I’ll say “oh did I tell you that” and they’re all “well, I read it on your blog”.

For instance, tonight I was talking to Meck’s Sister (who shall hereinafter be known as Texas Lexi– a faker fake name) and we got on the subject of my new boy.

Texas Lexi: sooo you had a date on Saturday. Who is he?
Meck: sooo you’ve been talking to mom?
Texas Lexi: well no, I read it on your blog.

Later….

Texas Lexi: well, how does he dress, is he preppy?
Meck: no
Texas Lexi: is he country?
Meck: actually, no
Texas Lexi: wow sissy!

Still Later…

Meck: but there’s one thing *pause* he’s in a band
Texas Lexi: what does he play?
Meck: guitar
Texas Lexi: uh oh. Is he lead guitar?
Meck: IDK, there are only three of them
Texas Lexi: well you have to find out, it makes a difference.

And finally…

Texas Lexi: I want to meet him in March
Meck: well if we make it to official couple status by then you can
Texas Lexi: he doesn’t have to know, you can say i’m just a friend, or some random chick
Meck: yea, this is just some random chick i found wearing cowboy boots. weird, right?
Texas Lexi: She was on TnT talking about stocks with a homeless man!

I love my family.